28 Years of Missing My Mom

(I'm a couple of weeks early, but it's been on my heart and mind lately. Be blessed!)

28 years later...

My mother and I on our wedding days...

It has never stopped amazing me the imprint that love can leave on your heart. I grew up not really knowing my Mom the way most little girls do. She died from Leukemia when I was only 5 months old. I got to know who she was a little bit through three letters she wrote to me before she died - they have become my treasure and there are days I sit and trace her handwriting longing to hold the hand that wrote those precious words and hear her say "I love you" just once more. I would burn the sound of her voice in my mind and never forget those moments. I have a handful of photographs and stories about her from family and friends, but none of them have ever seemed to truly fill my hurting heart completely. There was always a hole that ran deep and a pain that hurt beyond words.

During my growing up years my heart struggled daily with grief and the suffering that losing someone you love so dearly brings. My heart was simply broken into pieces and no one seemed to understand my pain. After all, "You were only 5 months old! You never knew her!" That phrase was repeated to me over and over as a child and teen and each time those words were like cold daggers that stabbed at my heart and twisted the pain just a little deeper. I knew the people who said those words never intended to cause me hurt, but I wanted to scream at them "I know how much she loved me! I have a huge hole in my heart to prove it!" There is something special about a bond between a mother and baby. I can't explain it from a mother's perspective, but I can tell you no matter your age, if you're mother cherished you, it stays with you for the length of your life, no matter how long she may have physically been with you.

My parents and family had no idea how much my heart hurt. I simply didn't know how to explain it to them. For some reason I thought that if I confessed my emotions it would be betrayal to my new Mom. Or maybe it would be considered betrayal to my birth mother to love someone else. After all she wanted me, she prayed for me and she gave her life for me. Was it really okay to let someone else fill her shoes? I loved both women, but my heart HURT, my Mom died and it hurt, but I loved my new Mom too. Was it really okay for me to love both women in their own ways? Oh the daily battle raging in my heart.

Fast Forward to age 22. I'm sitting in my office all alone one day and that oh so familiar grief engulfed my body once again and I knew that something had to change. I was worn out from the emotions of daily struggling with with my grief. My body and mind were beat from this 22 yr battle. This monster that kept me from living a fulfilled life for long enough. In a moment of feeling all alone in facing this giant, I called my older brother who had encouraged me on numerous occasions to come see his Pastor. I wanted help and I was willing to do whatever it took. Michael excitedly made arrangements for a counseling session and the next thing I knew, I was on a plane headed towards someone who said they could help me.

I fully expected to walk into that counseling room, spill my heart full of hurts out on the table and have this Pastor pat me on the back, tell me he was sorry for me and give me some encouraging scripture to send me on my way. Boy was I ever wrong. I was not prepared for God to actually work in me and deal with sin in my own heart. Sin? I'm hurting here! How can it be sin to hurt? See, I had allowed my Mother's death to brew deep within me a bitterness that had taken root in my heart. I was angry. How could God take her? How could people around me not see how hurt I was? How could she die on me and leave me with this hole in my heart? Didn't she know I needed her? How come my family couldn't fill her role well enough? Why couldn't they seem to love me how my Mom would have? I NEEDED my Mommy! How could God do this to ME?!?! The Pastor's wife sat there and listened with such love and grace and encouraged me to forgive. My whole life I had asked God to help me forgive, but I had never made up my mind to just do it. With the sweet encouragement of this Godly woman, who so gently reminded me that forgiveness is my choice to make all of myself, I finally forgave. I forgave my Mom for dying and leaving me, I forgave God for allowing her to go, I forgave those people who innocently spoke those hurtful words and I finally forgave my family for not understanding my heart and how I needed to feel Mom's love. Wow! The bitterness was melting away and the burden was lifting off of my heart already!

I moved into another room to meet with the Pastor who wanted to lead me in prayer. He so lovingly listened to my hurts and lead me to Jesus. He told me to pray out loud and talk to Jesus as though we were having a conversation. I must admit that I felt a little silly praying in front of this stranger at first, but after a moment, I was so intent on searching for answers that I barely noticed his presence. I sat there pouring out my heart to God as I prayed my way through the hurt of loosing my Mom. I asked God if he really understood the pain in my heart. My Mom died. Did He really get what it felt like to loose someone you love? His gentle answer so full of love overwhelmed my heart. "Yes, Rebecca, I understand your pain. My son died. I know the pain of death." In that moment I realized that God is not some all powerful being who sits on his throne and decides who lives and who dies, but that He is a Holy being who has the same emotions I have. He hurts when his children hurt, His heart breaks like mine does and He knows my pain on the deepest level. He understands me! For the first time in my life, I felt understood!

I continued my prayer and asked Jesus to show me how I felt when my Mommy died. Instantly a picture flashed in my mind. I was an infant, lying in my crib alone. No blanket, no doll, it was dark and no one was around me. Boy did that picture feel all too familiar. I felt like I had been living that picture for 22 years. I then asked Jesus to show me where he was when my Mommy died. Instantly the same setting flashed to my mind only this time there was a soft warm glow in my nursery and sitting in a rocking chair next to my now empty crib, was Jesus. He was holding me to His chest and rocking me gently. God has never spoken to me in an audible voice, but my heart felt as though he had verbally spoken. Jesus answered me in that moment and said, "Rebecca, I was there. I was holding you in my arms when you're Mommy died. I always have been holding you in my arms." I broke. My heart overflowed with emotion and can not explain to you the peace the flooded my heart at that moment as my 22 yr. battle dissolved into nothing more than a distant memory. If ever I become a Mommy I want to find an artist to paint that picture of Jesus rocking me and I want to hang it in our nursery as a reminder to myself that Jesus is holding my little one too no matter where life takes us.

I haven't stopped missing my sweet Mother and there are always little moments that make it so obvious that she is missing. But my daily grief that weighed me down and kept me from living a joy filled life has finally gone away! I am free! Oh, I still read those three letters every year on my birthday, I've passed many hours gazing at her pictures and wondering what just one day with her would be like, I often wish she were here to see her grandchildren, she would be so proud of my brother and sisters - their spouses and children, I long to see how much she would have cherished my husband, I want to eat her famous pot roast made by her personally, and there are those moments that I just need to pick up a phone and say, "Hi Mom. I miss you" that magnifies her absence. But I'm free. I'm free from pain and rest knowing that Jesus holds me in His loving arms.

Ironically enough the very last line my Mother ever wrote to me says, "I look forward to watching you grow up over the years. Love, Mommy." I've often wondered if that was God's way of letting me know she's still here even though I can't see her but regardless of whatever that answer may be, I live each day in peace knowing my mother is with Jesus and some day I will see her again.

To all my dear friends and family who have loved someone dearly and lost them - from the bottom of my heart and filled with all my love, I pray that you have also found rest and peace in the comforting arms of our loving savior!

~Rebecca

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