Pregnancy - What The What?
(Warning: This post is heavy on the sarcasm and intended to be funny. I am not talking about anyone specific in this post.) =)
When you see those two little pink lines on the stick you are in awe and know that pregnancy itself might hold a few undesirable moments, but all in all you have NO FREAKING IDEA what is about to happen to you. You kind of expect to be sick for a little bit and then just wait for baby while your tummy grows. Yeah, there's a reason the world has so many teen pregnancies. No one EVER tells the whole truth about what the what has just happened to you or what is about to happen to your body. So here goes...My non mommy friends, be warned.
Morning sickness is of the devil.
Seriously it's like having the stomach flu 24/7 with no end in sight. You're not going to want to eat most anything that you see, and good golly if could food just please be odorless. Odorless and tasteless would be even better. I would buy stock in odorless tasteless food if I could. Whatever you do, don't open the fridge because the smell will send you running to the bathroom while your husband stands there sniffing at the air for the phantom scent while wondering what in the world your problem is. Menu planning is a joke! The very thought of multiple meals and grocery shopping feels like trying to scale the Great Wall of China with your hands tied behind your back. No can do! Your sweet husband might even have a fabulous meal out with the guys and want to come home telling you all about the delicacies and you'll have to stop him short and warn him that any continuation will result in you having to depart the room in haste. Then there's the food you think you want, go through all the trouble to prepare, sit down to eat and one bite in you absolutely gag and cant' take one more bite.
Things Well Meaning People Say That Aren't True:
Morning sickness ends at 12 weeks! Bull Shizzle! I'm 21 weeks and I still get sick every morning when I brush my teeth. In fact, there are days that I wonder if I will ever be able to look at my tooth brush without thinking of it as a torture instrument. I'm almost certain that if you held me hostage, you could just show me a toothbrush these days and I'd tell you anything you want to know! Just don't make me put it in my mouth and whatever the heck happens do not let the bristles touch my tongue.
Ginger Ale & Saltines Cure Morning Sickness! Uh huh, just like a band aid will heal your wounds from major surgery no stitches needed. It's a nice thought though and if one more person suggests it to you, you're going to want to cram the box of saltines down their throat. But that would be the lovely thing called hormones that are probably starting to rage by this point. =)
I couldn't even tell you are pregnant! Oh really? So my big flabby gut is just how I normally look? Awesome! I was hoping my hours and hours in the gym pre-pregnancy made me look 4 months pregnant. Desired results were clearly accomplished! Thanks for boosting my self confidence!
Comments that Make You Want to Slap Someone:
"I LOVED being pregnant. I felt all glowy and beautiful. The whole pregnancy was just wonderful and I'm ready to go again!" (There are no words for how you feel. Her face is secretly in the center of your imaginary dart board.)
"Oh hey, have you tried ____________ for your ___________ problem?" (Yes, for the love. I've tried it all. If I had a dollar for everything I've tried then I'd be retired and living in the Bahamas. But thank you for trying!)
"You're just being hormonal" (skip slapping, you just want to sucker punch them in the face)
Things No One Ever Told Me: (or at least I never really believed)
Everyone has an opinion. - no really, they do. For some reason having a baby inside you makes people feel empowered to say and do all kinds of things they never would in any other situation. I always thought my friends were just being hormonal and unappreciative of other people caring. Maybe it is hormonal and ungrateful, but Good heavens if one more person tells me what I should or shouldn't do what I might want to do differently, I think I'm going to scream in their face like a crazy woman and then just glare at them with Mrs. Potato Head's angry eyes till the back away slowly.
There's so much advice it's overwhelming - Seriously, it goes hand in hand with the opinions. You find yourself standing there smiling and nodding while your brain is swimming and you just want to run away and cry because you can't handle one more tid bit of information.
Your body will look sooo different - I mean I know I'm going to be sporting that cute tummy my co-worker or best friend had, but GOOD LORD why is MINE so freaking huge?!?! Hers was so cute and little and mine...bumps into counters, won't let me squeeze through places I was once skinny enough to get through. I'm packing on weight everywhere! Even in my hands. HANDS? They can gain weight? I didn't even know that.
Heart Burn - HOLY COW! I'm thinking chili dog heart burn. Lasts for a little bit and then goes away. Oh no...not this crap. It's days on end long and you're going to want to buy the Costco bulk bottles of Tums. Keep them on your night stand in your kitchen in your purse and pretty much anywhere you might see, smell or taste food. (speaking of, I need a tums break right now. BRB!)
You're Hormonal - Just go ahead and embrace it. This is now people's opinion of you. While from time to time it will be true that you are hormonal, never again can you just find something odd or oddly humorous without someone telling you it's your hormones making you picky. *Sigh* It's not true, but you'll never convince them otherwise from this moment on.
Leg Cramps - Leg CRAMPS?? I mean we're talking full out charlie horse from your knee to your ankle. The kind that makes you bolt upright in your bed at night (even though you normally can't sit right up like that because you don't have abs anymore - remember the baby bump?) and want to cry out in pain. Dang it hurts! Maybe one of those runners ice baths would help? Oh speaking of....
Body Temperature - Is HOT! Pretty much, one setting. Everyone else is bundled in their snuggies at work and I'm pealing off the layers enjoying the fact that my office building might actually still have the AC pumping even though it's 40 degrees out.
Things People Should Always Say:
You look great. The END! No comments on how big my tummy, bottom or anything else is getting. Just tell me I look good and move on. I know it's not true, but it's all I want to hear.
I'm sorry you've been sick. That's it. Don't tell me how awesome your pregnancy was. Don't tell me what I could do to feel better. Just tell me your sorry and move on.
Do you want some advice? and then really be okay if the new Mom says, "No Thank You!" You'll be her new best friend if you give her the option to hear what you want to say and honestly, 9 times out of 10 she'll want to hear it because you haven't forced it on her and just maybe you do have that one tip she hasn't tried that really will work for her. ;)
I hope you got as much of a giggle out of this post as I did! Looking forward to the second half of my pregnancy and all those random strangers that want to rub my tummy (NOT).
When you see those two little pink lines on the stick you are in awe and know that pregnancy itself might hold a few undesirable moments, but all in all you have NO FREAKING IDEA what is about to happen to you. You kind of expect to be sick for a little bit and then just wait for baby while your tummy grows. Yeah, there's a reason the world has so many teen pregnancies. No one EVER tells the whole truth about what the what has just happened to you or what is about to happen to your body. So here goes...My non mommy friends, be warned.
Morning sickness is of the devil.
Seriously it's like having the stomach flu 24/7 with no end in sight. You're not going to want to eat most anything that you see, and good golly if could food just please be odorless. Odorless and tasteless would be even better. I would buy stock in odorless tasteless food if I could. Whatever you do, don't open the fridge because the smell will send you running to the bathroom while your husband stands there sniffing at the air for the phantom scent while wondering what in the world your problem is. Menu planning is a joke! The very thought of multiple meals and grocery shopping feels like trying to scale the Great Wall of China with your hands tied behind your back. No can do! Your sweet husband might even have a fabulous meal out with the guys and want to come home telling you all about the delicacies and you'll have to stop him short and warn him that any continuation will result in you having to depart the room in haste. Then there's the food you think you want, go through all the trouble to prepare, sit down to eat and one bite in you absolutely gag and cant' take one more bite.
Things Well Meaning People Say That Aren't True:
Morning sickness ends at 12 weeks! Bull Shizzle! I'm 21 weeks and I still get sick every morning when I brush my teeth. In fact, there are days that I wonder if I will ever be able to look at my tooth brush without thinking of it as a torture instrument. I'm almost certain that if you held me hostage, you could just show me a toothbrush these days and I'd tell you anything you want to know! Just don't make me put it in my mouth and whatever the heck happens do not let the bristles touch my tongue.
Ginger Ale & Saltines Cure Morning Sickness! Uh huh, just like a band aid will heal your wounds from major surgery no stitches needed. It's a nice thought though and if one more person suggests it to you, you're going to want to cram the box of saltines down their throat. But that would be the lovely thing called hormones that are probably starting to rage by this point. =)
I couldn't even tell you are pregnant! Oh really? So my big flabby gut is just how I normally look? Awesome! I was hoping my hours and hours in the gym pre-pregnancy made me look 4 months pregnant. Desired results were clearly accomplished! Thanks for boosting my self confidence!
Comments that Make You Want to Slap Someone:
"I LOVED being pregnant. I felt all glowy and beautiful. The whole pregnancy was just wonderful and I'm ready to go again!" (There are no words for how you feel. Her face is secretly in the center of your imaginary dart board.)
"Oh hey, have you tried ____________ for your ___________ problem?" (Yes, for the love. I've tried it all. If I had a dollar for everything I've tried then I'd be retired and living in the Bahamas. But thank you for trying!)
"You're just being hormonal" (skip slapping, you just want to sucker punch them in the face)
Things No One Ever Told Me: (or at least I never really believed)
Everyone has an opinion. - no really, they do. For some reason having a baby inside you makes people feel empowered to say and do all kinds of things they never would in any other situation. I always thought my friends were just being hormonal and unappreciative of other people caring. Maybe it is hormonal and ungrateful, but Good heavens if one more person tells me what I should or shouldn't do what I might want to do differently, I think I'm going to scream in their face like a crazy woman and then just glare at them with Mrs. Potato Head's angry eyes till the back away slowly.
There's so much advice it's overwhelming - Seriously, it goes hand in hand with the opinions. You find yourself standing there smiling and nodding while your brain is swimming and you just want to run away and cry because you can't handle one more tid bit of information.
Your body will look sooo different - I mean I know I'm going to be sporting that cute tummy my co-worker or best friend had, but GOOD LORD why is MINE so freaking huge?!?! Hers was so cute and little and mine...bumps into counters, won't let me squeeze through places I was once skinny enough to get through. I'm packing on weight everywhere! Even in my hands. HANDS? They can gain weight? I didn't even know that.
Heart Burn - HOLY COW! I'm thinking chili dog heart burn. Lasts for a little bit and then goes away. Oh no...not this crap. It's days on end long and you're going to want to buy the Costco bulk bottles of Tums. Keep them on your night stand in your kitchen in your purse and pretty much anywhere you might see, smell or taste food. (speaking of, I need a tums break right now. BRB!)
You're Hormonal - Just go ahead and embrace it. This is now people's opinion of you. While from time to time it will be true that you are hormonal, never again can you just find something odd or oddly humorous without someone telling you it's your hormones making you picky. *Sigh* It's not true, but you'll never convince them otherwise from this moment on.
Leg Cramps - Leg CRAMPS?? I mean we're talking full out charlie horse from your knee to your ankle. The kind that makes you bolt upright in your bed at night (even though you normally can't sit right up like that because you don't have abs anymore - remember the baby bump?) and want to cry out in pain. Dang it hurts! Maybe one of those runners ice baths would help? Oh speaking of....
Body Temperature - Is HOT! Pretty much, one setting. Everyone else is bundled in their snuggies at work and I'm pealing off the layers enjoying the fact that my office building might actually still have the AC pumping even though it's 40 degrees out.
Things People Should Always Say:
You look great. The END! No comments on how big my tummy, bottom or anything else is getting. Just tell me I look good and move on. I know it's not true, but it's all I want to hear.
I'm sorry you've been sick. That's it. Don't tell me how awesome your pregnancy was. Don't tell me what I could do to feel better. Just tell me your sorry and move on.
Do you want some advice? and then really be okay if the new Mom says, "No Thank You!" You'll be her new best friend if you give her the option to hear what you want to say and honestly, 9 times out of 10 she'll want to hear it because you haven't forced it on her and just maybe you do have that one tip she hasn't tried that really will work for her. ;)
I hope you got as much of a giggle out of this post as I did! Looking forward to the second half of my pregnancy and all those random strangers that want to rub my tummy (NOT).
Ha ha ha!!! Yep! You may have forgotten (or maybe have been blessed enough not to yet experience) the multitude of HANDS on your belly! I swear, people who never would have ordinarily touched me, thought it was totally okay to reach out and rub my pregnant belly. Can we say, "ew"? By baby number 3 I was adept at slapping them away!
ReplyDeleteoops! missed the last line! :-)
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with the toothbrush thing, except mine was flossing...always made me gag! When I went to the dentist the lady got a little impatient with my gagging but I COULDN'T HELP IT...I WAS PREGNANT and she knew I was :) Loved the post!
ReplyDeleteI personally loved this post. I can't thank you enough for being honest!
ReplyDelete