I Know Why A Girl

Before Shaun and I even started trying to have a baby I was praying that God would give us a boy. Most everyone in my family had boys first so it felt like it was just how it should be. To be honest, though, I wanted only boys.  I had my list of excuses as to why a girl just shouldn't be in our family: Girls are drama, emotional, catty, they have melt downs, don't know what they want, can be high maintenance...but there was one excuse that only God and I knew about. A daughter would mean facing something for the first time in my life that makes me VERY uncomfortable.

The months ticked by while we waited for week 20 to roll around so we could find out for sure what we were having. I kept telling myself it was going to be a boy, I mean after all, it's what I had been praying for, but I kept having dreams about a little girl, I found myself slipping up and referring to the baby as "she" instead of "it". I even found myself admitting to friends that I was nervous maybe "it" really would be a "she" and was always met with a confused look from them as to why.

Well, the big day came and "it" was finally revealed as (drum roll, please) of course...a SHE! I was excited and outwardly no one would have guessed that my heart skipped a beat as I felt the nervousness creep in - fast. My husband didn't even know for a while.

On the one hand it was so nice to finally start dreaming of this baby in color and thinking of gender specific names, but there it was...the one excuse I hadn't allowed myself to admit just lurking in the corner of my heart. I was going to  have a mother / daughter relationship - and that terrified me. You see, my Mom died when I was 5 months old and I've passed my life protecting that corner of my heart in big ways. There's a wall around "Mom's spot" and no one and I do mean no one, has ever been allowed into that sacred ground. My whole life if ever I've felt "mothered" by anyone (and it really doesn't matter who) something would swell up inside me and I would emotionally RUN from the source of the mothering. I had become so emotionally independent from needing a Mom that Mothering = smothering to me.  I've asked myself why I feel this way a million times and the best answer I've been able to come up with is that I've never allowed myself to know what being nurtured in a mother / daughter way would feel like and now I'm in a place where it's my turn to be the Mom and do the nurturing that a little girl needs and I found myself feeling terrified that I would fail.

As I've dreamed of this baby girl over the last few months since finding out what she is, I have felt my heart just melting in big ways towards being a Mom to this little girl. So much so, that if she came out to be a boy on delivery day I think I'd seriously ask God where my little girl is and does he do refunds.   In all honesty though, I've gone from being nervous to being very excited. Oh sure, there is still a small part of me that wonders how good I'm actually going to be at being her Mom, but I'm so ready to give it my best shot. I can't wait! I've already purchased more hair bows than she'll be able to wear in her first year, I've poured far too many hours into a nursery that she'll never even remember, I'm making a baby blanket for her that's turning out crooked, but I don't care. I'm ready. I'm ready for snuggle time, rocking her to sleep, playing with her hair, feeling her soft baby skin, watching her grow, long conversations when she is older, understanding who she is and what God created her to be, giggling over boys, shopping for her prom dress, all those special mother/daughter moments in-between and yes, I'm even ready for the drama (I think). =)

So now when I ask myself why God is giving me a girl, my answer is this. Because this whole Mom thing isn't about me being awesome and knowing all the answers, it's about me finally surrendering myself and my personal insecurities to God and allowing Him to work through my weaknesses. It's about being humble and learning to let people "into the sacred spot", mostly my own daughter, and realizing that God gives us kids so that we can learn moreso than teach and because this sweet little girl growing inside me is exactly everything God knew would I need.