I Did Know Her Just Like She Knows Me

Lately my heart has been so full as I take in all that my sweet baby is. Charlotte is exactly the age the I was when my Mom lost her battle with Leukemia. In fact, if that isn't already hard enough to swallow, I am exactly my Mom's age and Shaun is exactly my Dad's age. I can't tell you how much it has played over and over in my head as I sit here and delight over every grin, coo and new development of my baby. More than likely Charlotte is exactly developmentally how I was when my Mom went to heaven.

It's so strange. On the one hand there is a certain level of grieving that comes with this thought, but on the other a very beautiful thought has occurred to me. My whole life people have said that I was too young to have known my Mom, a painful reminder each and every time that I don't have any mental memories of her. But I've missed her - every day of my life. I couldn't explain the pain that came with those words, not even to my own family; I didn't fully understand it till recently - that is, not until Charlotte.

I am a working Mom (at least for this season) and I leave my sweet Charlotte in our little church daycare just across the building from my office. I get to pop in and out a couple of times a day to check in on her and feed her...and it hit me like a ton of bricks a few weeks back when I went in to get her one day and she just clung to me and nestled in close. Charlotte missed me. She knew that I had been gone. Oh sure, she isn't old enough to remember this in years to come, but her heart knows me and she knows when I'm not there. She lights up at the very sound of my voice and looks for me before she even sees me. She squirms and smiles as soon as she does see me and surprisingly leans towards me as if to say, "Please hold me, Mommy" (she doesn't know how to reach for me yet). She knows when I'm not there, because when I come back to get her, she clings to me and nestles into my arms in ways that she never does on the weekends when I am around all the time. It is sweet and painful all at the same time. That's when it hit me. I KNEW my Mom. Oh, sure, I don't have mental memories of her like my older siblings do, I don't even remember the sound of her voice, but my heart knows her and it knows that she's missing, just like my sweet girl knows when I am missing.

As heart aching as this realization has been, it has also strangely brought a lot of peace. My daughter knows me because her heart already has memories of me. And I know that if anything were to ever happen to me, I've already left a life long stamp on her heart, just like my Mom left in mine. So, Moms, take heart! We leave a lasting stamp no matter how long we are with them.

I love that!