The SAHM Season

Life is a little bittersweet for me at the moment. I never knew I could be so excited and so incredibly sad all at the same time. I cleaned out my desk for the last time today. Yes, I resigned my job to become a stay at home Mom. I honestly can't wait to be with my sweet Charlotte all the time and be able to be the wife that Shaun needs, but I am so so sad to be leaving a job that I truly was so passionate about and loved with all my heart. In short I am really going to miss it. I never knew that it was possible to have so much peace and be so confident about a direction God is leading me in and yet be so sad at the same time. It is bittersweet.

My journey to becoming a SAHM (as I've learned we are called) was an interesting one. I just might be  opening a can worms by sharing what is on my heart, but hey, you just never know who is reading this out there and might be on a similar journey trying to figure it all out. So let's hope what I say next will hopefully encourage someone else.

My whole life I was told that "A woman's highest calling was to stay home with her kids" and "If you're a Godly, Proverbs 31 wife/mom, then you'll definitely stay home with them." So, I get what is meant by that, but I have to be honest, what a horrible burden to put on women! It puts guilt and shame on you if you just can't stay home due to finances or whatever reasons, and it allows people who should be walking along side you to judge you harshly. I don't agree that it is "THE highest calling". I think that it is a calling for sure that God gives many women and I think that if God calls me to it, then that is His personal "highest" calling for me in that season - personally - not universally for every Mom out there. I'm surrounded by a lot of Mom friends who work. Some of them would LOVE to be SAHMs and it's financially just not an option for them and for others, I see the PASSION that God has placed in their hearts for something in addition to - not bigger or better - just in addition to their family. So, simply put, I believe that a woman's highest calling is to do what God has placed in her heart to do.

So, all of that said, why did I work post baby? Because, I've never been one to just take someone else's word for things and remember, I wasn't exactly bought into the idea. I had to know for myself. Hey, if I'm going to be passionate about what I'm doing then, I have to be confident that I've been called to it. I was blessed to work for a church that allowed me to bring my baby to work with me and check on her several times every day. If you're going to be a working Mom, then what better environment to do it in? So, at 7 weeks post baby, I packed up the diaper bag and headed back to work and LOVED being back. I was worn out from being on call 24/7 and in desperate need of adult interaction. I almost hate to admit it, but I think I actually smiled as I kissed my sweet baby and handed her off to the nursery. It felt good to be back, but that didn't last more than a couple of months. Pretty soon I found myself juggling work, baby, husband, job, laundry, cooking, cleaning - what the heck is cleaning and who has time for that. - and on and on. It quickly became way too much and I found that I just couldn't juggle it all. I started really missing my girl during the day and found that what little time I had with her in the evenings just wasn't enough. I started to pray and struggle for a good month over what was right to do. I LOVED my job but I LOVED my baby. I'd get home at night and knew it was where I should be and then I'd get to work the next morning and just knew that was where I should be. On and on the struggle went and my husband patiently - oh so every patiently - listened, prayed, listen some more and encouraged me to just do whatever it was that God had for me. I can't thank him enough for giving me that freedom and giving me the grace to figure it out on my own time table.

It was so incredible that during that time of soul searching, God put so many people in my path that confirmed that going home was what was He had for me. One particular day I prayed and said, "Ok, God, I need it in black in white because you know how thick my head is. What do YOU want me to do?" Man was he faithful! I called my sister who said, "Sometimes God gives us what we think we want so that we will ultimately know it isn't what we wanted after all." Hmm...that's good stuff, but "God, are you SURE? I love my job!" I went to my co-workers office (a very sweet, wise lady who is a grandmother herself) and she said, "Rebecca, anyone can do this job, but no one can be Charlotte's Mom but you." Oooo, Ok, God that was a little bit clearer and I felt a prick of conviction in my heart. I left her office, walked into mine and opened my email to find a dear friend who knew my struggle had written - "I feel like I just need to tell you that if you decide to stay home, you will never regret it!" OKAY, God! I hear you!!! Loud and clear! You want me to stay home. Instant peace settled in my heart, I talked to Shaun and within a week was telling my boss that it was time for me to go home.

So here we go. A new chapter, a new season! I'm wrapping up the last two weeks of work, training my replacement, bursting into tears ever so often because I'm really going to miss my job and everyone I work with, but I truly am incredibly excited about staying home with Charlotte and being on top of all that cleaning and easing the burdens off my husband to help so much after his long days of work. I got to be honest though, I'm really wondering what in the heck am I going to do now with ALL this time? I have a feeling that I'm about to figure it out. =)