A Glimpse Inside My Heart
Just an update to my last post. We don't have any new information yet, but just wanted to share where my heart has been and where it is now in relation to our little boy's lips.
As I said in my previous post, I initially took the news of our little cleft lip in great stride and handled the news quite well. It was after I stepped away and had time to reflect in quiet and solitude that my heart went from relief that it wasn't more to worry and fear and a million questions I had no answers to. I know from the outside perspective that we have a "simple fix" and will have a scar that fades into a very minimal one over time...but I thought I might share some of the thoughts and fears that go through a Mommy's heart and mind when a "simple fix" is all of the sudden HER baby.
This next part is just a long line of questions and thoughts that started playing on repeat for several days as I started making phone calls to lactation consultants, pediatricians and researching the best surgeons in Atlanta.
How will I feed him? Can I still nurse? What if he has palate issues too? Does that mean feeding tube? Nursing a baby without complications was HARD, how can I do this? CAN I do this? His lip! Oh his sweet little lip! I know I will think he's preciously adorable not matter what he looks like, but what will other people think? Will he have a cute deformed lip or will he look scary? Will people react to his sweet face? I don't think I can handle that - it will break my heart and be so hard to swallow. What kind of comments will people make in public? I'm gonna sucker punch the first kid that makes fun of him on the playground - you better watch it, punks...that's my boy! Will I have to hide him in public until surgery is done and his lip has healed? But he's a precious baby - my baby - I'm proud of him and I want so desperately for the world around me to be proud too! Will people look at him with pity or just love and accept him for the perfectly wonderful baby that he is. What about as he gets older - will his scar be bigger than life to him and affect his self confidence? We need to tell people before he's born, so it isn't awkward when they visit us and see him for the first time. Will he have an even harder time asking a girl out someday because he can't see past his lip? How do I help him be confident in who he is? How do I help him know he is perfect? I don't want him to be known for his lip or have this be a topic of family conversation for years to come. Who's going to do our surgery? 3 months...that's SO tiny to be cut on. How am I going to feed him after surgery? How do I know when he's in pain from stitches? This means a stay in the hospital. What about Charlotte? How do I find the right surgeon? My heart hurts for him. The first six months of his life are going to be hard, difficult and long on me, on him, on our family. How do I take care of him and his special needs and a two year old who needs me too? How do we do this on our own with no family around? Is this how my friends with special needs babies feel? This is exhausting!
It was in the midst of all these feelings and thoughts, that I got a text from one of my dearest friends reminding me that in everything I need to give thanks to God for he is in control. To choose praise regardless of the outcome. God sure knows what He is doing and He uses the right people at the right time. Had that text come from anyone other than my dear friend, it probably would have made me angry, but her husband has recently been diagnosed with cancer and I knew just how genuine her words were and just how real her praise has been - regardless of their outcome she chooses trust and praise. I knew in my heart that she was right, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to let go of all my questions, get down on my knees and like Abraham, offer my son to God. I wanted to control it.
God and I started having a lot of chats over the next several days. As I mentioned in my previous post, He surrounded me with verses, worship music and reminders that He never lets us down and He is always by our side.
It was on my darkest day, when I was sinking fast and my eyes kept brimming with tears that I got an unexpected call from my OBGYN. "Hey Rebecca! This is Dr. Leader just calling to check in on you. How are you?" I lost it and just started bawling on the phone. She is THE BEST Dr. ever and for the next 30 min she took time out of her schedule to chat through every question I had, let me cry on her shoulder, reassured me that our little man isn't dealing with anything more and even offered to schedule an appointment for me to come in a just cry if I needed to. God...He's so awesome. He knew exactly when I needed to have that talk. At the end of a week of overwhelming questions, he had the only person on this earth that could actually answer them from a medical standpoint take time out of her schedule and call me. She even reminded me that Harrison Ford has a face full of scars and "look at how handsome he is!" Well, I couldn't help but chuckle at her choice of comparison...she mentioned the one person that just happens to be my movie star man crush (someone Shaun is openly appreciative that our paths have no chance of ever crossing in life)! ;)
Isn't it just like God to surround us with unexpected encouragement? I hung up the phone with my Dr. that afternoon and couldn't help but genuinely praise the Lord. It had been a week of emotional struggle, yet one filled with God sized love! Peace came flooding in and since then, the tears have stopped flowing, the worry fades more and more every day and joy has begun to settle in my heart. My sweet boy is already dearer to me than I ever imagined he would be. His little life has already drawn me closer to the Lord, brought me to my knees and opened my heart to praise in the midst of all my unknowns. God is truly good, His mercies are new every morning and He gives strength when mine is failing.
Friends, "Come and see what the Lord has done (is doing)." We don't have all the answers, but I have perfect peace that the ONE who does is on our side and walking with us side by side.
Prayer Request: That baby boy does not have palate issues and that we are only dealing with the lip. Also, that the Dr. will be able to see everything she needs to see in order for us to really begin building the right care plan.
As I said in my previous post, I initially took the news of our little cleft lip in great stride and handled the news quite well. It was after I stepped away and had time to reflect in quiet and solitude that my heart went from relief that it wasn't more to worry and fear and a million questions I had no answers to. I know from the outside perspective that we have a "simple fix" and will have a scar that fades into a very minimal one over time...but I thought I might share some of the thoughts and fears that go through a Mommy's heart and mind when a "simple fix" is all of the sudden HER baby.
This next part is just a long line of questions and thoughts that started playing on repeat for several days as I started making phone calls to lactation consultants, pediatricians and researching the best surgeons in Atlanta.
How will I feed him? Can I still nurse? What if he has palate issues too? Does that mean feeding tube? Nursing a baby without complications was HARD, how can I do this? CAN I do this? His lip! Oh his sweet little lip! I know I will think he's preciously adorable not matter what he looks like, but what will other people think? Will he have a cute deformed lip or will he look scary? Will people react to his sweet face? I don't think I can handle that - it will break my heart and be so hard to swallow. What kind of comments will people make in public? I'm gonna sucker punch the first kid that makes fun of him on the playground - you better watch it, punks...that's my boy! Will I have to hide him in public until surgery is done and his lip has healed? But he's a precious baby - my baby - I'm proud of him and I want so desperately for the world around me to be proud too! Will people look at him with pity or just love and accept him for the perfectly wonderful baby that he is. What about as he gets older - will his scar be bigger than life to him and affect his self confidence? We need to tell people before he's born, so it isn't awkward when they visit us and see him for the first time. Will he have an even harder time asking a girl out someday because he can't see past his lip? How do I help him be confident in who he is? How do I help him know he is perfect? I don't want him to be known for his lip or have this be a topic of family conversation for years to come. Who's going to do our surgery? 3 months...that's SO tiny to be cut on. How am I going to feed him after surgery? How do I know when he's in pain from stitches? This means a stay in the hospital. What about Charlotte? How do I find the right surgeon? My heart hurts for him. The first six months of his life are going to be hard, difficult and long on me, on him, on our family. How do I take care of him and his special needs and a two year old who needs me too? How do we do this on our own with no family around? Is this how my friends with special needs babies feel? This is exhausting!
It was in the midst of all these feelings and thoughts, that I got a text from one of my dearest friends reminding me that in everything I need to give thanks to God for he is in control. To choose praise regardless of the outcome. God sure knows what He is doing and He uses the right people at the right time. Had that text come from anyone other than my dear friend, it probably would have made me angry, but her husband has recently been diagnosed with cancer and I knew just how genuine her words were and just how real her praise has been - regardless of their outcome she chooses trust and praise. I knew in my heart that she was right, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to let go of all my questions, get down on my knees and like Abraham, offer my son to God. I wanted to control it.
God and I started having a lot of chats over the next several days. As I mentioned in my previous post, He surrounded me with verses, worship music and reminders that He never lets us down and He is always by our side.
It was on my darkest day, when I was sinking fast and my eyes kept brimming with tears that I got an unexpected call from my OBGYN. "Hey Rebecca! This is Dr. Leader just calling to check in on you. How are you?" I lost it and just started bawling on the phone. She is THE BEST Dr. ever and for the next 30 min she took time out of her schedule to chat through every question I had, let me cry on her shoulder, reassured me that our little man isn't dealing with anything more and even offered to schedule an appointment for me to come in a just cry if I needed to. God...He's so awesome. He knew exactly when I needed to have that talk. At the end of a week of overwhelming questions, he had the only person on this earth that could actually answer them from a medical standpoint take time out of her schedule and call me. She even reminded me that Harrison Ford has a face full of scars and "look at how handsome he is!" Well, I couldn't help but chuckle at her choice of comparison...she mentioned the one person that just happens to be my movie star man crush (someone Shaun is openly appreciative that our paths have no chance of ever crossing in life)! ;)
Isn't it just like God to surround us with unexpected encouragement? I hung up the phone with my Dr. that afternoon and couldn't help but genuinely praise the Lord. It had been a week of emotional struggle, yet one filled with God sized love! Peace came flooding in and since then, the tears have stopped flowing, the worry fades more and more every day and joy has begun to settle in my heart. My sweet boy is already dearer to me than I ever imagined he would be. His little life has already drawn me closer to the Lord, brought me to my knees and opened my heart to praise in the midst of all my unknowns. God is truly good, His mercies are new every morning and He gives strength when mine is failing.
Friends, "Come and see what the Lord has done (is doing)." We don't have all the answers, but I have perfect peace that the ONE who does is on our side and walking with us side by side.
Prayer Request: That baby boy does not have palate issues and that we are only dealing with the lip. Also, that the Dr. will be able to see everything she needs to see in order for us to really begin building the right care plan.
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