Our Uniquely Wonderful Son
When Charlotte turned a year old, we knew we wanted more kids. I kept thinking fall would be perfect, but Charlotte had just turned 1 and I just wasn't ready. Shaun on the other hand, didn't seem to have a very strong preference as to timing. In that next month, God quickly took my heart from absolutely not right now, to maybe we could start thinking about trying again to a strong prompting from God that I needed to stop birth control right away. I kept feeling God tell me, "Rebecca, there's a baby that needs to born and you need to let me make that happen." Within 2 days I felt so convicted and couldn't shake it (it honestly freaked me out a little bit), that I told Shaun I thought it was time to stop birth control and see what happened. Well, when God is ready to move, He moves quickly. In less than two months we were expecting! There IS a baby that He wants to be here and I'm so glad I listened.
We kept silent through most our first trimester and waited to share our news even with family. Our hearts had taken a pretty heavy hit during Charlotte's first trimester and we were cautiously waiting to make it past the critical point this time before letting too many people know - just in case. 12 weeks came and went, our ultrasound went great, everything looked perfect! We celebrated and started sharing our news with the world!
I somehow knew all along that I was pregnant with a boy. From early on I started referring to him as a "he" - can't explain why, I just knew. Our 20 week ultrasound rolled around and as the tech ran the wand across my tummy, I could tell on the monitor that we were down by the baby's legs. I saw that our baby is a "he" first and had the joy of watching Shaun's expression as the tech told us we indeed were having a boy! What a special moment that was and it will stay imprinted on my heart forever. I loved the look on Shaun's face and the joy we both felt that we get to experience parenting both genders in our family! Shortly after that moment I noticed the tech was taking a lot of pictures of our baby's heart. Her demeanor shifted some, Shaun didn't notice, but my Mommy radar was going off. I could feel it. She left the room to get the Dr. and I looked at Shaun and told him I was concerned that something might not be right. She had taken A LOT of pictures...a few minutes later the Dr. came in and didn't say a word, but started looking and poking around. My heart sank a little and questions started flooding my mind. I was pretty certain we were about to get some difficult news. Shaun and I held each other's hands tight and waited.
Finally, after what felt like and eternity, she looked at us and told us our sweet little boy has a cleft lip and she wasn't fully able to rule out yet if he has a cleft palate. He for sure has a unilateral cleft going from his lip to his nostril on one side. She had done a very thorough look at all his organs, brain and heart and could find nothing else that seemed abnormal with his system - nothing that indicated a more serious genetic disorder or long term disability. In that moment I/we breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn't something more. There will be challenges and complications and even a surgery, but his little lip is very fixable and for that we are very grateful.
That being said, I am a processor. In the moment of news like this, I tend to be very medical. Tell me what I need to know, tell me what I need to do, tell me where we go from here. It is when I get away from "the moment" that the weight of what is going on sinks in and I start to deal with all the emotions that can flood a Mommy's heart. In an effort to be transparent, I have struggled. I haven't wanted to trust God with this. I've been not angry, but anxious. Why us? Why our son? What if it's more than just his lip? What if we find out at our next ultrasound that there IS more? I don't think I can handle that! I hate even writing that out - it sounds so ungrateful. We have a fixable issue and I've struggled to feel grateful. In truth, it makes me feel guilty that I feel that way. I have friends with babies already in heaven and friends who's babies will have life long struggles. Yet, I have been anxious, holding my emotions at bay and feeling guilty. I hate to admit any of that, but it is honest. I have days of feeling strong and I have days of being overwhelmed with fear of the unknown and worry about the future. I have struggled to trust God in this. This last week I have prayed a lot. God has given me many wonderful and gentle sweet reminders to trust Him in everything. As He so often does with me, He gently prods my heart - "Rebecca, you've trusted me with so much in your life and I have never failed you. Can you trust me with this too?" I've gone from not wanting to give God control of this (which is stupid of me, because I can't control this anyway) to here I am Lord. My arms are open. My son is yours. Do with him as you will and may your name be praised.
I want to invite you on this journey with us, because I believe that God is the author of each person's story and when we choose to hide our stories, we handcuff God in what He is trying to do in us and in those around us. So, here I am, arms wide open, allowing myself to be more vulnerable that I am comfortable with because I believe that our son is fearfully and wonderfully made and that God is writing his story in a uniquely beautiful way. We look forward to what God is doing in our family through this sweet boy who is already changing our lives in wonderful ways. Psalm 66:5 "Come and see the works of God, Who is awesome in His deeds toward the sons of men."
This passage has a whole new and special meaning to me and one that floods my mine every time I feel my baby kick or my thoughts wander towards the unknowns of his little sweet lips.
We kept silent through most our first trimester and waited to share our news even with family. Our hearts had taken a pretty heavy hit during Charlotte's first trimester and we were cautiously waiting to make it past the critical point this time before letting too many people know - just in case. 12 weeks came and went, our ultrasound went great, everything looked perfect! We celebrated and started sharing our news with the world!
I somehow knew all along that I was pregnant with a boy. From early on I started referring to him as a "he" - can't explain why, I just knew. Our 20 week ultrasound rolled around and as the tech ran the wand across my tummy, I could tell on the monitor that we were down by the baby's legs. I saw that our baby is a "he" first and had the joy of watching Shaun's expression as the tech told us we indeed were having a boy! What a special moment that was and it will stay imprinted on my heart forever. I loved the look on Shaun's face and the joy we both felt that we get to experience parenting both genders in our family! Shortly after that moment I noticed the tech was taking a lot of pictures of our baby's heart. Her demeanor shifted some, Shaun didn't notice, but my Mommy radar was going off. I could feel it. She left the room to get the Dr. and I looked at Shaun and told him I was concerned that something might not be right. She had taken A LOT of pictures...a few minutes later the Dr. came in and didn't say a word, but started looking and poking around. My heart sank a little and questions started flooding my mind. I was pretty certain we were about to get some difficult news. Shaun and I held each other's hands tight and waited.
Finally, after what felt like and eternity, she looked at us and told us our sweet little boy has a cleft lip and she wasn't fully able to rule out yet if he has a cleft palate. He for sure has a unilateral cleft going from his lip to his nostril on one side. She had done a very thorough look at all his organs, brain and heart and could find nothing else that seemed abnormal with his system - nothing that indicated a more serious genetic disorder or long term disability. In that moment I/we breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn't something more. There will be challenges and complications and even a surgery, but his little lip is very fixable and for that we are very grateful.
That being said, I am a processor. In the moment of news like this, I tend to be very medical. Tell me what I need to know, tell me what I need to do, tell me where we go from here. It is when I get away from "the moment" that the weight of what is going on sinks in and I start to deal with all the emotions that can flood a Mommy's heart. In an effort to be transparent, I have struggled. I haven't wanted to trust God with this. I've been not angry, but anxious. Why us? Why our son? What if it's more than just his lip? What if we find out at our next ultrasound that there IS more? I don't think I can handle that! I hate even writing that out - it sounds so ungrateful. We have a fixable issue and I've struggled to feel grateful. In truth, it makes me feel guilty that I feel that way. I have friends with babies already in heaven and friends who's babies will have life long struggles. Yet, I have been anxious, holding my emotions at bay and feeling guilty. I hate to admit any of that, but it is honest. I have days of feeling strong and I have days of being overwhelmed with fear of the unknown and worry about the future. I have struggled to trust God in this. This last week I have prayed a lot. God has given me many wonderful and gentle sweet reminders to trust Him in everything. As He so often does with me, He gently prods my heart - "Rebecca, you've trusted me with so much in your life and I have never failed you. Can you trust me with this too?" I've gone from not wanting to give God control of this (which is stupid of me, because I can't control this anyway) to here I am Lord. My arms are open. My son is yours. Do with him as you will and may your name be praised.
I want to invite you on this journey with us, because I believe that God is the author of each person's story and when we choose to hide our stories, we handcuff God in what He is trying to do in us and in those around us. So, here I am, arms wide open, allowing myself to be more vulnerable that I am comfortable with because I believe that our son is fearfully and wonderfully made and that God is writing his story in a uniquely beautiful way. We look forward to what God is doing in our family through this sweet boy who is already changing our lives in wonderful ways. Psalm 66:5 "Come and see the works of God, Who is awesome in His deeds toward the sons of men."
This passage has a whole new and special meaning to me and one that floods my mine every time I feel my baby kick or my thoughts wander towards the unknowns of his little sweet lips.
Psalm 139: 13-18
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my Mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand - when I awake, I am still with you."
Disclaimer: Please know that we do not have all the answers yet. We will spend the next few months learning more about our sweet boy's condition and preparing for our baby. We will share as we are able to what we feel is important for our friends and family to know. In inviting all of you on this journey, I am placing our family and our tender hearts in your trust. We welcome your love, encouragement, support and most of all your prayers. In fact, we need it as we navigate the road ahead. We are and will be working with an extensive team of medical professionals to develop the best plan of care for our precious son. Our wonderful Dr. has urged us to protect our hearts and not listen to scary stories of things that could possibly go wrong, read Googled articles or listen to medical opinions of those who are not professionals in this area. We love you all and can't wait to introduce you to our special little bundle!
(Since writing out the above a couple of weeks ago, God has really worked greatly in my heart and brought a lot of peace, comfort and even joy! Will share more when I have the time to write the next blog.)
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