12 Days To Our Forever Smile

12 days. It seems so very far away and so very near all at the same time. The far away part comes from staying home under quarantine until after surgery in order to keep us all healthy for Carter's sake. For an on the go, social Mommy like me...well, let's just say I'm going a little stir crazy and 12 days feels like 12 weeks. =) On the other hand, thinking about my baby having surgery, 12 days feels like a mad dash to the finish line where time is flying past and life is a blur because all your emotional energy is focused on one thing - finishing and finishing well. 

Since Carter's birth, my focus has been doing the next thing. The next bottle, the next time I pump, the next Dr we see and doing everything they tell us to. It's been a long road, but doing my job, my part, is how I've coped. It kept me from really having to think about surgery. After all, that was 3-4 months away and there was so much to do first.

So, here we are. Today we wrapped up the last Dr. appt of pre-surgery everything. Now we just sit and wait for June 29th to get here. I dislike this part. I'm still trying to keep myself busy with phone calls, paperwork, lining up child care for Charlotte, packing lists, calling the hospital over every little detail and question I don't have an answer for. 

I'm nervous. My job is almost over and then I'll be forced to face the thing I'm dreading (and excited for) but for the time being the dread far out weighs any excitement. Knowing myself, I'm going to keep going 110% until the moment they take him out of my arms and send him into the OR. THAT is the moment I dread most. I won't have anything to keep me busy for those 2-3 hrs and already I feel the lump in my throat and knots in my stomach just sitting here typing that out. 

Last, but certainly not least, is the fact that my baby is changing - FOREVER. That precious adorable face that is oh so perfect to me. That wide open smile full of toothless gummy baby cuteness that melts my heart every day. It's going to change. Forever. That makes my heart sad. I'm going to miss him like this. I fell head over heels in love with this face, every little crooked and misplaced part of it and I'm never going to see it in person again. Along with that comes the fear that I won't know him when he comes out of surgery. He won't look like my baby, not the one that I've known for the entirety of his short little life. Oh sure, he will still be my precious baby boy with that adorable giggle and baby chatter that would make anyone smile, but I won't know his face. It will be unfamiliar and something I will have to learn all over again. Just 12 more days of soaking up every ounce of his cleft cuteness. It's weird, y'all. This is all just so weird to think about.

Lest I completely depress my readers, here is a beautiful thought that a fellow cleft Mommy shared with me:

We get to experience his first smile for a second time. I saw his cleft smile for the first time and I will get to see his forever smile for the first time. What parent wouldn't love that opportunity? Isn't that moment such a thrill when you see them smile and you do everything possible to make it happen again? When I think about it in those terms, I can't wait for it! I'm pretty sure he's going to be just as cute as he was before. 

12 days and counting! Mommy is ready...or not...or both. If anyone actually read all of this, thanks for bearing with me as I got all of this out of my system. =)