34 Years

Dear Mom,

It's been 34 years since you went to heaven and I have missed you every day that you have been gone.

I've spent the last year of my life with a lovely lady named, Judy, who has helped me navigate some of my deepest pain and grief. 2015 was possibly the hardest year of my life to date taking care of my baby boy born with a cleft and going through his surgery only to come out on the other side and find out my daughter has a Syndrome. It was blow after blow and so much more than my heart could take. I spent many hours and lots of tears in Judy's office and we talked and cried about you a lot. She has told me many times that, "A baby who is old enough to understand love is old enough to grieve loss." That couldn't be more true. I think you would be happy to know, that she's helped bring a lot of healing about my children and you to my hurting heart in this last year.

As I sit here thinking about the short time that you and I had together here on earth, this year amidst my sorrow is a deep gratitude for the life lessons you have taught me. Ones you never knew that you would teach.

Mom, you were told to abort me because of your medical issues. You said absolutely not. You stood up to those Doctors and you fought for me. When you said yes to me, you said yes to Shaun, to Charlotte, to Carter. You said yes to my future and my future happiness. You gave me my life, my greatest gifts and my deepest happiness. Your story of sacrifice, your fighting spirit, has given me the strength I needed in so many ways to fight for my babies. For their needs, for their happiness, their health and their futures. When I have grown weary, I think of your broken body and your willingness to keep fighting for me and it gives me strength to square my shoulders back for one more day and keep plowing through. Thank you for teaching me the beauty of a Mother who is SO for you that she spends every fiber of her being fighting for you. I'm eternally humbled. Just knowing that about you, and our story, only deepens my love for you.

Mom, you prayed for me. I found your prayer journal and about two months before I would begin growing in your belly, you were asking God to give you a baby. You were asking God for me! Because of that, I too prayed that God would give me both of my sweet babes. I can't count the hours of prayers I've prayed for my babies and I've often wondered how many hours you prayed over your babies too. I've reflected on your prayer journal alot as I prayed for Charlotte in my 1st trimester when we thought I was going to miscarry her, for Carter inside me knowing he had a birth defect and through the journey that their lives have been and currently are. You've taught me the power of praying for my children. From before their lives began all the way through. Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for teaching me the importance of prayer.

Mom, losing you was and is so painful, but in that place of pain, you have taught me to be a better Mom myself. I am by no means perfect and there are many days where I'm a bigger failure than a success at this whole Mom thing, but what I mean is this: losing you has made me cherish my time with my children even more than I think I would have if you were still here. Every single day of my life, I thank God that I have one more day with my children. Every single day of Mom-ing I think of all the things I am privileged to do for my precious, adorable, demanding and sometimes exhausting little people. Things that you were short changed on doing with and for me. Things that I am confident you wouldn't take for granted had you been given just one more time to do them. As much as losing you hurts, it has given me strength to be patient when patience runs thin. It has made me cherish those 2AM wake up calls, tummy bugs and spilled milk. It has helped me rock my babies back to sleep with a heart overflowing that God for whatever reason is giving me one more time to do so.  It has made me a better fighter, a stronger lover of and a bigger cheerleader for my two sweet babies. It has taught me to never take my children for granted.

I know that neither of us would have chosen for you to leave this life when you did, but this year I want to say Thank You for teaching me how to be a better me. I just thought you'd like to know that your death has not been the end of your influence on me. Your death has taught me some of my life's most refining lessons. God has certainly given me beauty in the midst of the ashes of losing you.

I miss you so much. 34 years is just a really, really long time.