2017 In Review

Each new year, I pick a word that is my theme for the year. A wise man once challenged us to do this. He said that it was highly unlikely we would ever master the word, and in moving through our year it was very likely that we wouldn't see much progress along the way, but in hindsight we would look back and see just how far we'd actually come.

My word for 2017 was HOPE!

After several months of genetic testing and counseling for Shaun and I, our doctor gave us a green light and two thumbs up to try adding to our family.

January brought the sweet news that baby number three would be here in early October.

February brought the shocking news that my cousin had died unexpectedly.

March we learned that our precious baby died just before the end of our first trimester.

April (just one week after losing our baby) Shaun's Dad died suddenly from a heart attack. One week later we would get a phone call from my doctor telling us that the results from my D&C were back and our baby had a chromosomal abnormality. Given our family history, it was the recommendation of all our doctors to close the door to future biological children. We were devastated.

From the moment I learned that our baby had gained a pair of angel wings, a verse I had forgotten I knew began to play on repeat in my mind.

"We have this hope as an anchor, firm and secure..."

Hebrews 6:19

I was confused. I didn't understand why that verse would be playing over and over in my mind. Here I was just 4 months into my year, and hope was certainly no where to be found. We were devastated, wracked with grief, confused, and hurt. I felt as though all hope was lost and here was, with what I assumed was God, reminding me over and over about hope?!?!

God has an incredible way of orchestrating things in His timing, and at the end of April, our pastor brought a special message that registered deep inside me. He doesn't know us personally, but it was as if his message was custom made for Shaun and I. (link to listen) http://northpoint.org/messages/pack-your-bags/motion-sickness/ He said several things that hit home and the verse he based his whole sermon on was Hebrews 6:19. I began to understand that hope isn't something placed in people, desires, or dreams. I walked away from that message knowing I needed to do something with it, but I felt like God had deserted us, turned His back on us. I felt like He didn't care. In a lot of ways, I felt unseen by Him. I was desperate for Him. I knew I needed Him, I even knew I wanted Him, but I kept holding Him at arms length because I was just too hurt to try.

In July, some very dear friends of ours gifted us a trip to Cancun. (I'll blog more about this in a future post) It was life-giving and exactly what we needed. For the first time in months, Shaun and I had a chance to unplug, invest in each other and begin to heal from our crippling year. My heart started to soften and I began to realize God really does care. On that trip, butterflies came to mean something of significance to me and for the next three months I saw a butterfly almost every single day. Each time I saw one, I was reminded over and over again that God sees us exactly where we are, He cares, He loves us more than I can possibly imagine, and that He is always with us. 

In August came the shocking news that Shaun's Aunt (his Dad's sister) died suddenly. I felt that all too familiar feeling of numbness and grief creep into my soul. We rushed back to Florida to be with our family and say our good byes once again. 

By this point, we were so weary. Ridden with grief. I finally tore down my walls I had built in my relationship with God, I fell to my knees, and reached out with all my might. I needed God more than ever before. I needed peace. I needed hope. God met me exactly where I was and it was then that I realized He had been there all along. 

In looking back over this year, I've come to realize just how present God really has been. He has been there every single step of the way. He has provided for us in ways that only He can. He made a way for our overwhelming medical bills to be paid off, He provided a dryer for free when ours died, He gave us Cancun, He's provided a lot of tickets to fun date nights, He surrounded us with people who poured in, loved us, people who've been there and get it. But mostly, He restored our hearts. He brought joy, peace, and hope to us in the midst of the worst year of our lives. He ended this year on a high note for us. In short, I've learned that God definitely doesn't promise a life without pain or sorrow, but He absolutely has promised to never leave us or forsake us, to provide for us, to love us!

So long 2017. You are a year that will never be wished back, but you are a year that leaves us with a deeper faith and we are more anchored in our hope than ever before!