The Significance of Butterflies
Remember last July when some dear friends surprised Shaun and I with a trip to Cancun? There was a lot I didn't say about that trip, but I'd love to share it with you now.
March and April had been full of heavy blows. Not that I want to recap, but in case you missed that part of our story, inside three weeks we miscarried our baby girl, learned she had Down Syndrome, lost my husband's father to a heart attack, and found out that we would never have more biological children. Our hearts were shattered and we had been longing to get away. I've always found bodies of water to be peaceful and calming for my spirit and I had been especially longing to escape life and find a quiet beach where I could sit, think, and hopefully begin to heal. Shaun and I planned a beach trip together, but little did I know the actual destination was no where near South Carolina.
Two days before we were set to leave, Shaun sent me on a scavenger hunt around the house which lead me to the ultimate clue that we would be spending a week in Cancun. Yes, I cried. I didn't see that coming at all. We found ourselves on the most lovely resort I've ever been to. It was tucked away on a private beach. Everything about this place was quiet, calm, serene, and lovely. I did a lot of laying around and resting, both physically and emotionally. Being unplugged from life and having Shaun as my only companion was very life giving in such a dark season in life. It was exactly what I needed.
Before leaving for our trip we had discussed finding a peaceful place where we could "say goodbye" to our daughter. We wanted some kind of quiet moment and special place for Shaun and I to hold in our hearts and bring some kind of closure. Losing Shaun's Dad right on the heels of our miscarriage threw us into a whirlwind that forced us to push our grief over our baby to the back burner.
The first day in Cancun we found the perfect place. A little inlet with a small light house at the end. It felt so fitting. No one was out there and it was easy to get to. I knew saying goodbye in a foreign country would leave me longing to go back to that place, and since it's unlikely we will get back to that exact location in the future, I wanted to stop by the gift shop and find a small token I could bring home and hold onto. I found an assortment of butterflies. Butterflies felt appropriate for a baby, but it's Mexico, so they were all huge and brightly colored. Obnoxious bright colors didn't feel right at all. We scavenged the gift shop and came up empty handed. I was rather disappointed. The next morning, despite both of our skepticism, we went back for one last look. There in the far corner of the bottom shelf was the perfect memento. A small mosaic butterfly made out of pink and baby blue glass.
That afternoon we emptied a glass bottle, found the most beautiful stationary in our room, and wrote letters to our precious little Emily. We told her we loved her. That her life held value and significance even if we didn't understand it all right now. We told her goodbye. We slipped out after dark, had a private moment between Shaun and I and threw our bottle of letters into the sea. It was peaceful and healing to pause our lives to remember hers. In that moment I prayed and asked God if He could, to please let me see a real butterfly the next day. I hadn't seen one for the whole three days we had been in Mexico, so it felt like a big ask. I guess for a moment, I forgot who I was asking - my really big God.
The next morning, we headed out to the beach and there right over the water, in front of our chairs was a beautiful yellow butterfly. She flitted in front of us for the entire morning. She followed us around the resort everywhere we went. From that moment until we boarded our plane to go home two days later, there was a little yellow butterfly flitting around us. My heart flooded with so much peace and I couldn't help but smile at this God sized hug. It was God's very tangible way of letting me know that He saw my pain and cared so deeply. That He is there for me even if my heart was hurting too much to notice Him.
I shouldn't have been surprised, but for the next 3 months I saw a butterfly almost every single day. The Lord knew I needed that. The constant reminder of His faithfulness and goodness in the midst of great sorrow. Each new day and each new butterfly brought a little more healing. The weather turned cold and the butterflies disappeared. I hung our ornaments for Christmas and cried that there wasn't a 3rd Baby's First ornament. We headed to Florida to make our family rounds and at our very first stop, within minutes of arriving, a big beautiful butterfly flew past. God hadn't forgotten me. He gave my Mama heart the Christmas hug it needed.
I keep this sweet little butterfly in a special place where I see it every single day. Next to a picture of Charlotte and Carter. It is my constant reminder that just like the artist who made this butterfly, the Lord who created me, created Shaun, and brought us together wants to take the broken and shattered pieces of our story and put them together in a way that only He can to create a beautiful masterpiece. It is my reminder that if we let Him do His work in us and through us, His glory will be the reflection that others see in our story just like the bits of mirror in the wings of our mosaic butterfly.
March and April had been full of heavy blows. Not that I want to recap, but in case you missed that part of our story, inside three weeks we miscarried our baby girl, learned she had Down Syndrome, lost my husband's father to a heart attack, and found out that we would never have more biological children. Our hearts were shattered and we had been longing to get away. I've always found bodies of water to be peaceful and calming for my spirit and I had been especially longing to escape life and find a quiet beach where I could sit, think, and hopefully begin to heal. Shaun and I planned a beach trip together, but little did I know the actual destination was no where near South Carolina.
Two days before we were set to leave, Shaun sent me on a scavenger hunt around the house which lead me to the ultimate clue that we would be spending a week in Cancun. Yes, I cried. I didn't see that coming at all. We found ourselves on the most lovely resort I've ever been to. It was tucked away on a private beach. Everything about this place was quiet, calm, serene, and lovely. I did a lot of laying around and resting, both physically and emotionally. Being unplugged from life and having Shaun as my only companion was very life giving in such a dark season in life. It was exactly what I needed.
Before leaving for our trip we had discussed finding a peaceful place where we could "say goodbye" to our daughter. We wanted some kind of quiet moment and special place for Shaun and I to hold in our hearts and bring some kind of closure. Losing Shaun's Dad right on the heels of our miscarriage threw us into a whirlwind that forced us to push our grief over our baby to the back burner.
The first day in Cancun we found the perfect place. A little inlet with a small light house at the end. It felt so fitting. No one was out there and it was easy to get to. I knew saying goodbye in a foreign country would leave me longing to go back to that place, and since it's unlikely we will get back to that exact location in the future, I wanted to stop by the gift shop and find a small token I could bring home and hold onto. I found an assortment of butterflies. Butterflies felt appropriate for a baby, but it's Mexico, so they were all huge and brightly colored. Obnoxious bright colors didn't feel right at all. We scavenged the gift shop and came up empty handed. I was rather disappointed. The next morning, despite both of our skepticism, we went back for one last look. There in the far corner of the bottom shelf was the perfect memento. A small mosaic butterfly made out of pink and baby blue glass.
That afternoon we emptied a glass bottle, found the most beautiful stationary in our room, and wrote letters to our precious little Emily. We told her we loved her. That her life held value and significance even if we didn't understand it all right now. We told her goodbye. We slipped out after dark, had a private moment between Shaun and I and threw our bottle of letters into the sea. It was peaceful and healing to pause our lives to remember hers. In that moment I prayed and asked God if He could, to please let me see a real butterfly the next day. I hadn't seen one for the whole three days we had been in Mexico, so it felt like a big ask. I guess for a moment, I forgot who I was asking - my really big God.
The next morning, we headed out to the beach and there right over the water, in front of our chairs was a beautiful yellow butterfly. She flitted in front of us for the entire morning. She followed us around the resort everywhere we went. From that moment until we boarded our plane to go home two days later, there was a little yellow butterfly flitting around us. My heart flooded with so much peace and I couldn't help but smile at this God sized hug. It was God's very tangible way of letting me know that He saw my pain and cared so deeply. That He is there for me even if my heart was hurting too much to notice Him.
I shouldn't have been surprised, but for the next 3 months I saw a butterfly almost every single day. The Lord knew I needed that. The constant reminder of His faithfulness and goodness in the midst of great sorrow. Each new day and each new butterfly brought a little more healing. The weather turned cold and the butterflies disappeared. I hung our ornaments for Christmas and cried that there wasn't a 3rd Baby's First ornament. We headed to Florida to make our family rounds and at our very first stop, within minutes of arriving, a big beautiful butterfly flew past. God hadn't forgotten me. He gave my Mama heart the Christmas hug it needed.
I keep this sweet little butterfly in a special place where I see it every single day. Next to a picture of Charlotte and Carter. It is my constant reminder that just like the artist who made this butterfly, the Lord who created me, created Shaun, and brought us together wants to take the broken and shattered pieces of our story and put them together in a way that only He can to create a beautiful masterpiece. It is my reminder that if we let Him do His work in us and through us, His glory will be the reflection that others see in our story just like the bits of mirror in the wings of our mosaic butterfly.
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