There Is Joy!

This blog post has been on my heart for a while now. Shaun and I have had so many conversations lately about joy returning to our family. It's been obvious to both of us and a welcomed breath of fresh air!

Joy - darkness dispelled. I think that definition is going to stick with me for a very long time. That tiny definition is power packed with truth. I'm constantly amazed by the work God does in us when we let him. Friends, a little over a year ago our lives were very dark and very heavy. There was no joy anywhere to be found. A year later, there's a song in our hearts and a smile on our faces! It's as if sunshine has returned to our souls.

Right after we lost our baby, I called a dear friend of mine who has lived a very similar journey. I'll never forget her words, "In time, God will so give you a heart for the family that you do have, that you couldn't imagine it any other way." I wasn't sure that could be true, but I knew her story and I knew she genuinely was experiencing that, so, I knew it had to be attainable and I desperately wanted that. Another friend/pastor called Shaun and I to pray over us in the first moments after our loss. I honestly don't remember most of his prayer, but these words resounded in my heart, "Lord, would you redeem this in the way that only you can?" I felt so puzzled by that request. How could God possibly redeem this journey? It was so broken! But these dear friends had a son that only lived one month, so again, I knew that his words were spoken from personal experience. Those two statements became my anthem prayers this last year. "Lord, give us a heart for the family you HAVE given us and redeem this brokenness in the ways that only you can." I wasn't sure how God would do it, I only knew, because of our friends, that He could.  

Then there was my third friend. She has older children, so, well ahead of me on her motherhood journey. Her personal story held some similarities of loss and secondary infertility. She told me over and over to have an attitude of gratitude. That gratitude was healing. I wrestled with her words for a long time. How could I possibly find anything to thank God for in this? My baby was gone. I can't have more children. The children I do have, have struggles to manage that seem so unfair. But once again, I knew her story, so her words held the weight of truth to them. 

It took me a while to come around on God again. Honestly, it was the butterflies in Cancun that started to soften my heart towards God. Those butterflies made my heart feel loved and seen. I finally told my friend that I was going to dig my heels in with determination and start tunneling through my grief. I started finding the things in our story we could thank God for. Our children are healthy. Our daughter especially is a walking miracle. I have TWO blessings! There are so many friends who can't have children at all and here I am with two bundles of pure love and joy. I have a husband who adores me. Our marriage has withstood some massive storms that could have easily torn us apart. In time I was able to find gratitude over losing Emily too. She had Down Syndrome. While her life still holds infinite value to us and I still would absolutely give my very life to have her here with us, I can be grateful that she will never experience the struggles and hardship that her syndrome would have imposed on her. Whew, that was a hard one. I started praying those words before my heart truly felt them. To even utter them was a sacrifice for my heart. In time, those words became an authentic prayer. 

Our friends knew the truth that we had to learn. When we lean into our faith and choose gratitude, the attitude of our heart shifts from darkness and light starts to creep back in. That God can and does redeem all things. In those first moments of feeling like our world had ended, these three families were our beacons in the storm the guided us back to the healing and restoration of our loving Heavenly Father. 

I knew my heart was finally on the other side when a friend announced her pregnancy and my heart burst with excitement for them. I wasn't sure that day could ever come for me again, but I have fallen in love with celebrating all the babies and shopping for all the baby things. And when I get to hold a baby, it's the highlight of my day!

Does all this "newfound" happiness mean life is perfect and we pretend nothing ever happened? Certainly not. There will always be "stuff" in life and grief is never truly behind us. It crops up in new ways in new seasons and each time we tunnel through it again. Does it mean our story suddenly changed course and it's turning out how we would have written it? No, not at all. Rather it means that there is true joy in surrender and embracing what God does have for us. We wake up every morning with our hearts bursting with gratitutde. We have been given so much! We have two delightful children, a heart for the family that God has so graciously given us, we are grateful for our story, and God continues to amaze us in all the ways he keeps redeeming the brokenness!